College

So I'm officially moved into my room at UNI. It was a project that took most of the day. Everyone in my immediate family (who isn't already moved out) came along, except YS1, who had to work at 2. I was excited and nervous at first. Then slowly became more and more nervous. Let me explain.

For the last 18 years of my life, I have never been more than a room away from my family. I've always had people around. Even though I get sick of them all the time, they were still always there for me. But now they're not here. I can't just go to the other room and see YS2 and YB1 harrassing each other. I can't just go downstairs and mess with YS1. I can't just go to the dining room and hang out on the computer, being in with everyone, if not participating with them. Mother and Father aren't just around the corner, waiting to nag me about some chore I've been passively-agressively not doing. It feels as though a part of my life is completely gone. I know they're just a phone call, a text, a Facebook message away, but they're not here. The people who have made up most of my life since I was born aren't here with me any more. A huge chunk of my life is suddenly not there. They just left, and I didn't want them to go. I don't like to be alone.

To anyone who knows me, this might seem like a contradictory statement. I'm almost always in my room or upstairs, hiding/ignoring what's going on around me. I get sucked into a book or my computer and it looks like I'm not involved. But the very essence of myself needs people. I need to isolate myself within people. I need my alone time, surrounded by everyone. That's not the same kind of alone as it is here. Here it's an alone with a roommate that I don't actually know, and that only after a week of living in this dorm room (it's bigger than my own room at home) completely by myself. My best friend, Emi, is going to be half a nation away in Boston. My boyfriend and all the people I know through him are two and a half hours away. Technology is amazing, but it doesn't make up at all for those interpersonal interactions that I need. I know I'll make friends, I know I'll adapt, I'll create a new life. I know those things, but they seem so far away. As far away as my friends, my family, my boyfriend.